so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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