FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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