she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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