12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
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Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.