I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
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I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.