conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
