Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
