They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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