I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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