What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
