I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize