So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
