I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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