i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it's great music for shaving your balls
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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