2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
