Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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