something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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