So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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