HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think your dad took our porno
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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