To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
