i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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