Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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