Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
