I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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