So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of