Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.