at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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