yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
