its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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