It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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