you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
