not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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