Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
