i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
