Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
