My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
