Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
