he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
