Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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