Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
