so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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