I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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