my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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