Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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