dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
