Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
