I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
