so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
