the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
