you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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