im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
