You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
