im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
