Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
