Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
