I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
